Connect More With Rapport

Rapport. That word kept popping into my mind in the last few days. What is that stuff anyway? How does it help me? Today the horses taught me what rapport is! It is that wonderful feeling of being in the company of a like-minded being and having an absolute understanding and respect for each other. A friend’s horses showed me how easy and quick it is to create that feeling.

He had bought a couple of young foals last year who hadn’t been touched by humans very much. They have run free and fairly wild and have been untouchable all year. We decided we would take time to get them more used to people as they are now getting quite large, and it would be helpful for my friend if he could manage to catch them to trim their feet and move them easily from field to field. I went over to his farm today and initially we herded them into an old pen with a reasonably high fence and a division down the middle.

Obligingly one young horse went each into side of the division so I could have one-to-one! I went to the first youngster and straight away she put her ears back, dashed off to the corner and stood with her back to me and a leg poised. I thought her intention was very clear – ‘stay away!’ I decided to move away to the opposite corner and turn my back on her. As I did that, she turned and walked down the pen to another corner, so I copied her behaviour on the opposite side of the pen. I kept this up for a couple of minutes. Every time she moved, I mirrored her on the opposite side of the pen.

Then I decided to move first, and turned and walked across the pen with my back to her. Just after I started moving, so did the horse, and instead of mirroring me on the opposite side of the pen, she followed me to my corner. Without looking at her I turned and crossed the pen diagonally, and there she was, a couple of feet away, following me. From that moment we spent five minutes together and she shadowed my every move. Well, actually the pen was quite small, so I’m not sure who was mirroring who some of the time! We seemed to be absolutely in tune with each other and had formed some kind of bond of trust very quickly. I felt she understood me and I understood her. I moved to the other pen and saw the other young horse.

This time there was no stand-off to begin with. I listened to her (a strange expression I know, as she didn’t say anything verbal!) and straight away started moving like her and in the same direction and in parallel to her, but slightly after she moved. However she had been watching the dance I had with the first filly and almost instantly started mirroring me and following me. Once again I felt completely at peace and in tune with this young horse and that she felt the same about me.

I stood back to admire both horses and noticed that my friend who had watched the whole display was leaning against the fence with a sleepy look and the first young filly was standing right beside him yawning.

Then the word ‘rapport’ sprang into my mind again. So that’s what rapport is! What an amazing half hour’s experience, and all without words. These two horses had shown me what the deepest rapport feels like and how easy it is to establish.

You may not have a horse handy to show you what rapport means, but there are people all around you who you can practise on and build your skills. Every day practise this for a few minutes. Very soon you will see, hear and feel a definite difference in the way people react to you.

Look at someone’s non-verbal communication and their posture; hear their voice and its pitch and tone. Start moving like them and talk in the same tones as them and either match their gestures or mirror them. If they cross their legs or lean back, do the same. Be subtle and don’t follow too soon or they will notice and feel uncomfortable. After a minute or two of mirroring their actions, tone of voice and pace, you can assume a posture of your own, and if they are in rapport they will follow your gestures.

This is such a great experience because they feel a mutual respect developing quickly and so do you. It is a useful technique in all our relationships, whether that is at home, with our family and friends or at work with co-workers, in meetings or on sales calls.

Go on, give RAPPORT a whirl!

If you want to know more about improving your non-verbal communication, please give me a call.

Are you aware of the power of non-verbal communication?

A French student came to stay with us for two weeks this summer and her understanding of English when she arrived was about the same as my French – limited! As we began to try to communicate I became aware of how intently I was listening to her and observing her; it wasn’t just about verbal communication - she was fairly shy – it was about all the things she wasn’t saying but doing.

How did I ‘know‘ she was shy? I deduced it from the way she looked at me, the way she moved her hands and tapped her foot when she spoke. And though all these signals were miniscule, I realised that for every group of gestures and expressions she made, I could interpret them as easily as if she had spoken words I understood. And if I was reading her micro expressions, then she could read mine as well.

For the first few days, instead of relying on Google Translate, I concentrated on exaggerating my non-verbal signals to match whatever I was saying in English. Our young French visitor caught on like wild fire and we began conversing in English and understanding each other, although part of this was rather like a stage play sometimes. After four days I could tell when we hit a word she didn’t understand simply by the fleeting muscle movement in her face.

Each day we also spent time with the horses and it was fascinating to observe her communicating with them and them with her. As their whole world is non-verbal they were quick to understand and respond to our visitor. Every day we went for a ride and I noticed that after a just a few hundred yards on horseback she was gaining confidence, and becoming much more verbal and fluent in the English language.

Good communication is partly about listening and observing, and these skills can come into play in the most unexpected places. For our French student, exaggerating non-verbal language improved our communications as well as giving her more confidence. And when she communicated with the horses it was just the same – words were redundant, so interpretation of non-verbal communication became of paramount importance; yet she did it quickly and easily. It’s amazing how much we all subconsciously pick up on non-verbals and accurately interpret them at a much faster rate than we do words.

You may not think this is relevant to you as might not have to engage with non-English speakers. But the next time you are having a difficult conversation, maybe at work or socially, imagine that person does not speak or understand you verbally. You may find that non-verbal communication is an easier conversation!

These skills are innate, but they can be honed. If you want to know more about improving your non-verbal communication, please give me a call.

Will an empathic object replace the need for Emotional Intelligence?

A friend sent me this link to an interesting idea which was demonstrated in Tel Aviv Israel in April (click here to watch the video). Kip1 is a little robot which monitors the tone of voices during interactions. The object doesn’t recognise words, but reacts to an aggressive tone of voice by shrinking and shivering away from the sound and growing relaxed when the tone calms. Its third state is curiosity and will extend its neck to “listen” to what is going on around it.

Kip1 and a curious cat

Is this the best way that we can improve the impact of our communication with others? Maybe taking that little gismo into a business meeting with a client would prove an interesting talking point, but would it really help in a conflict resolution situation? And would it fit in my briefcase or handbag? Not the most convenient tool and probably a fairly costly option.

I am more minded to grow my Emotional Intelligence (EI), which I carry internally to whatever business or other interaction I have anywhere in the world with another human. We have EI with us at all times, can use it instinctively and it is free! So what is it?

Daniel Goleman described Emotional Intelligence as:  “The capacity for recognising our own feelings and those in others, for motivating ourselves, for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.”

The core components for being Emotionally Intelligent are: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and relationship management. Being aware of how we communicate with others, our own levels of self-confidence, what triggers us and how to manage our own behaviours, inevitably leads to us approaching our interactions with others in a much more consistent, empathetic way. A heightened sense of our own self-awareness enables us to avoid arguments and concentrate our energy on outcomes, before we get into conflict with others.

If we were to rely on a robot to tell us how we are communicating, by the time it crumbles and quakes it may well be too late to modify our tone and body language and rescue that sales pitch or difficult meeting!

Knowing ourselves is an important first step to recognising emotions in others and how our behaviours can have a major influence in achieving the outcomes we desire. By learning to recognise our own tone of voice and body language, we become aware of what we can do to avoid conflict and achieve the outcomes we want.

So go on, give it a whirl. Start building your self-awareness and your self-confidence will be boosted - and you’ll see how it can change your relationships with others!

Give me a call on 01497 820520 to find out how I can help you to improve and develop your emotional intelligence.

Mindfulness

I am not sure I fully understand what mindfulness is and am curious to know more about it. My mind seems to be full most of the time! BBC Radio 4 programme Woman’s Hour talked a little about it last week and my parents always stressed that I should be mindful of others.  Google presents many ideas and tips for mindfulness, many of which involve sitting meditation. However, in the last two weeks, the horses – and one in particular - has highlighted what mindfulness means for me.

He arrived as a frightened rather anxious two-year-old with a well-reinforced instinctive fight or flight response to everything. With every move I made and he either pawed the ground, reared up or fled if he could. My usual 20-minute morning routine of mucking out and feeding went out of the window. I needed to connect with this chap quickly, reassure that him he was safe and there was no need to be anxious. Our natural instinct is to talk, but of course words are useless for an animal with no verbal language.

I leant over the stable door and watched him; in my mind I asked him what he needed. I noticed his breathing deepen and slow and his head lower, and I concentrated on noticing every little muscle movement. I matched his slow breathing and low head and thought only of what might increase his relaxation. In a very short space of time (I discovered later), the horse in front of me became much quieter, with a softer eye, and to my mind very relaxed. I felt relaxed as well and at the same time renewed. I left the stable and resumed my usual morning rush around, getting home chores done before the school bus run and work.

Over the next few days I did this every morning and night, and even during the day if I was at home. Each time I went into the stable with this young horse, I left my usual rush outside the door and only focussed on making contact with him. By day three he was happy having two years of knots brushed out of his mane and tail and his feet cleaned. I found I was looking forward to stepping into his world and enjoying the moments with him. Strangely, the time I was spending on the routine was getting less each visit and yet we seemed to be having much more connection and communication in those moments.

After a week we were walking out and about and he was grazing the roadside as if he had never had a moment’s anxiety in his life. After two weeks his confidence was so restored he was able to go out in the field with an entirely new group of horses and became part of their herd in minutes.

Reflecting on what I have learnt from the experience: it was the point at which I stopped thinking about all the things I needed to do AFTER seeing to the colt, focussed solely on him and was mindful of our time together, that our connection grew, and he allowed me to groom, clean and lead him. Once my concentration was focussed in the moment on him I was able to get all the routines completed in a very short time. Horses are really great at getting us to be mindful. I believe we all can waste so much energy each day thinking about the next job rather than concentrating on now.

Even if you don’t have a horse to help you, you can practise being mindful – for instance, while you’re washing up. Instead of standing at the sink and thinking about tomorrow or yesterday or whatever, just concentrate on washing up! Think about the feel of the water and the temperature and the shape and texture of what you are washing and notice every small detail about it. It is very grounding and I believe that is my kind of mindfulness!

This Mum is mindful of her newborn as the foal is mindful of her Mum!

Next time you really want to listen…use your eyes!

In our increasingly digital age it’s easy to forget that face-to-face communication is still hugely important in running a business. Whether you are dealing with internal issues or selling your services, excellent communication is vital. Excellent communicators are aware of not only their own, but others’ non-verbal communication.

Improving non-verbal communication was a key focus at a recent Executive Horse Power workshop we held. It was designed to give local businesses a taste of our alternative and highly effective corporate training tool which uses horses to help people understand and hone their own communication skills. This approach known as Equine Assisted Development is just as effective in business as it is with helping those with personal communication issues.

Our experiential training programmes are based on a proven approach in which you interact with our horses in a controlled environment to improve your interpersonal skills. Your interaction with our horses, 'experts in their field' in intuitive and non-verbal communication, will lead you to challenge yourself in powerful and memorable ways.

After an introduction to the principles of equine assisted development, each workshop participant was asked to identify a communications objective they wanted to achieve, which they then worked towards in a facilitated session with the horses, myself and my team of facilitators.

This was followed by a presentation on ‘micro expressions’ by colleague, Steve Adams, another expert in non-verbal communications. There has been much research carried out into facial gestures and it is generally accepted that there is a basic set of seven facial gestures that are cross-cultural. They can be seen in all of humankind, from tribes located in the middle of the Amazon to city dwellers in the UK.

The micro expressions shown by people in everyday conversations can provide some subtle clues as to what the person is really experiencing at an emotional level. For anyone wishing to improve their communication skills, learning to decipher these clues is essential.

Steve Adams

“What makes them really interesting is that micro expressions are, for the most part, very difficult to control at a conscious level,” said Steve at the workshop. “It's like when someone tells you they will give you all the support you need, whilst shaking their head from side-to-side at the same time. Their real message comes from the non-verbal signs, not the words used.”

This brief introduction of some of the theory and applications of non-verbal communication, coupled with reinforcing this learning with the horses, left the workshop participants eager to apply what they’ve learnt the next time they communicate at work and at home.

And of course if you want to know more, please feel free to contact me!

When do you take time to reflect?

Every aspect of my life seems to have been hectic for the last three weeks. As hard and long as I seem to be working there is an ever growing mound of urgent things to do ahead. I was starting to wonder how to deal with all the house, family, work and friends things to do, and if I should get a job as a circus juggler! Earlier today I was choosing to feel really exhausted and then, luckily for me, I got around to the job I needed to do with the horses.

Siloe - my Spanish stallion

I went into the field to check on Perchelera, a mare who is due to foal soon, and Siloe, who has a sore foot. Usually they come to meet me as I go through the gate, except of course today. When I thought I had the least time to spare, both horses went further down the field away from me, heads high and at speed. I felt so tired I just sat down on an up-turned bucket and watched them. The sun had just come out and I watched them for several minutes racing round the field, well away from me.

All of a sudden they slowed to a walk and came together up the field right to where I was perched on my bucket. Siloe even picked up his hoof for examination! I spent a few minutes with each of them, stroking them, and I could feel their warmth, their strength and yet softness. I noticed their breathing was deep and low and regular and their heads were low, Siloe making the occasional low snort as he smelled the grass before he pulled at it.

My mind wandered to what a great life they have. They only have to think about grazing and relaxing and occasionally running from a predator. This made me realise why they had taken off when I first came into the field; I must have looked quite predatory, marching towards them with my shoulders hunched, my breathing heavy, my pulse racing. Distracted by thoughts of all my chores my non-verbal communication screamed STRESS. It’s no wonder they ran, they maybe thought I was out to kill them.

I compared that behaviour with how it was now and how I felt now. Actually I felt much calmer, less tired and time seemed to have stretched out. I was breathing much lower and slower, my heart was no longer racing, and I seemed to be able to think and plan more clearly. I realised that quite a number of tasks would be better left until tomorrow and I could easily achieve all that I needed to do around family and home today. It was a valuable few minutes for me and I thanked the horses for taking the time to teach me a lesson.

Some days I suspect many people feel like I did - exhausted at the thought of all the pressing jobs to do. However, when we take time and reflect, we breathe more easily, think more clearly and renew our energy. So go on - take five minutes every day to reflect! If you would like a complete recharge, come and spend it with the horses.

Tips for preparing for difficult meetings

This week I was asked to chair what I thought might be a difficult meeting. I had already talked to several people who would be attending and some of them had expressed fairly strong emotions on the subject under discussion. I had three days to collect evidence for the meeting and spent the first day talking to different individuals and taking notes. Everyone had a different view and all were displaying a variety of emotions. I term them as stress, suspicion, fear, mistrust, worry and anger. After day one I was feeling pretty stressed at the thought of the meeting and worrying about all the emotions which would be present, and how on earth would we achieve a consensus.

In the small hours of a fairly sleepless night, it dawned on me that I should concentrate on the outcome of the meeting and not on the emotions. Day two consisted of several more emotionally charged interviews, and I decided it would probably be better if everyone, not just me, concentrated on the facts and the outcome rather than how they felt. How could I get them to do that? Sleepless night number two!

On day three I asked several independent professionals to prepare risk assessments for two or three possible outcomes, so I could present these at the meeting as impartial views based on the facts. I felt that by the end of this last day I had done everything I could to ensure the meeting would be constructive. Still feeling a bit apprehensive about my ability to preside over such an event, I thought about a friend who I consider to be brilliant at managing conflict. I would put a call in the next morning and ask for his input. Two hours sleep that night.

Day Four. No answer when I tried to ring and I was nearly out of time. What to do? As I drove down to the meeting a little idea came to mind. What if I imagined I had spoken to my friend? What would he have said and what would he do? There was the answer and so very simple. All I needed to do was model what I had seen my friend do at other meetings. As everyone turned up I detected hunched shoulders, prominent chins and crossed arms. I used very open inviting gestures to everyone and their body language eased. And then I had a further thought and I suggested to everyone that they put themselves in someone else’s shoes and consider the problem from a different perspective.

The effect was instant and the feeling of an up-and-coming battle left the room. Instead there was an energetic and positive flow of constructive ideas from everyone as to how to resolve the conflict. Contrary to my initial expectation, a unanimous agreement was reached, along with a plan for action, in a very short space of time!

So here are some tips for the future for anyone with an important meeting coming up:

1. Concentrate on achieving outcomes instead of relying on a battle of words.
2. Ask everyone attending to do the same.
3. Use open handed gestures and encourage the others to loosen tight shoulders, jaws and crossed arms.
4. Use perceptual positions to get everyone to view the conflict differently. Change places and seating arrangements if necessary. If they sit in a different chair from their usual one they’ll have a different view. Lead this by example and change your place as well!
5. If you remember a conflict meeting which had a good outcome, model the example.
6. Model the behaviour of anyone you have seen effectively managing a conflict.
7. If there aren’t any sides to take, only outcomes to achieve, the whole team channels constructive energy and emotion into getting a result.
8. Support everyone to have their say and thank them for their contribution. You may discover hidden strengths and alternative solutions!

Horse Sense

By Guest Blogger John Phillips, Msc. PhD. DC.Hyp.

Any pet owner will regale you with tales of how clever their animal is. How, when you are almost home, your partner will tell you how man’s best friend knew before they did of your impending arrival, as your four-legged friend is waiting at the front door to greet you a minute or more before you actually arrived. We have all heard these stories or experienced them ourselves, and although we are convinced of man’s best friend’s extra sensory abilities, we have never been able to prove it.

Until now!

The benefits of inter-species communication are something that horse owners have always known. Scores of studies have shown that the non-verbal communication between horses and humans provides a learning environment that allows the individual to acquire emotional sensitivity, encourage self and social awareness, increase self-confidence, and develop communication skills and management abilities. In a herd, horses establish their positions – including leadership - by the use of body language and other non-verbal cues, with evidence supporting that collaboration with a horse teaches effective leadership competency.

• Alan Hamilton, a horseman and Professor of Neurosurgery at the University of Arizona, developed a programme that used horses to address the difficulty in teaching non-verbal skills to medical students.
• For the past decade, Stanford University medical students, under the direction of Beverly Kane MD, have participated in a programme called Medicine and Horsemanship. Dr Kane currently consults with medical and nursing schools across the US in developing Equine Assisted Learning programmes for their students.
• There are now over seven hundred centres in the US that provide some kind of Equine Assisted Learning programmes.

Most Equine programmes in the UK tend to focus on very specific areas, such as Psychotherapy or children with disabilities. However, an EAD centre at Clyro Hill Farm in Herefordshire is unique, in that they will tailor-make their programme to satisfy the needs of an individual, a large organisation or educational institutions.

They will cater to those who require help with grief or anger issues, have special learning needs or addictions, or require emotional support and an increase in self confidence. They have also worked with adoptive and child fostering committees.

Large organisations will have the advantage of a staff that has experience that encompasses global communications, life coaching, corporate NLP development, certified teaching, conference organising, financial planning, industrial management and school governorship.

The empowering experience of Equine Assisted Development is enjoyable and life-changing. Whether individual, corporate or institutional, it just makes good sense. Horse sense.