How do you change stressful memories to avoid limiting your future experiences?

The other day, a friend and I were talking about how our memory of unpleasant experiences becomes more vivid and larger than life each time we think back on the experience, and how this can sometimes limit us in the future. This is how phobias develop. We can’t change these experiences, but we can all change how we remember and feel about them.

I asked my friend if there was any experience she had had in life which she felt limited her now. Her response was a memory of being at the top of a tall building. She felt (and a sideways glance at her confirmed) quite anxious about ever repeating the experience. At the time her fear was probably her instinctive self-preservation reflex kicking in and absolutely appropriate. The trouble is, after the event, we go back over it and run a movie of what happened in our minds.

Each time we play the movie we start and stop at the same scene. With each replay our senses enhance the images, so the pictures get bigger and brighter, the sounds clearer and the smells sharper. I asked her to imagine she was watching a movie of her experience, but instead of starting at the same place, to rewind to 15 minutes earlier and finish 10 minutes later. Then I asked her to imagine herself in the movie and running it backwards from the later finish to the earlier start.

When she found herself back at the beginning I asked her to re-run the movie backwards and 10 times faster than before, and then 100 times faster. I then asked her to repeat the backwards movie with some silly music to accompany it. (My suggestion was Benny Hill singing ‘The fastest milkman in the west’.) I could see from her relaxed features and broad smile that the way she remembered the original experience was now different. Finally I asked her to run the movie forwards again, from the early start time to the later finish time and see how different it felt right now. My friend admitted she couldn’t feel the same about future trips up tall buildings.

If anyone wants me to check it out with her, maybe you could send me two tickets to the Eiffel Tower (purely for research purposes of course!). Maybe you can make different movies of your frightening or stressful past experiences and see how differently you feel. A good one for those afraid of spiders is to put clogs on their feet and get them line-dancing to a merry tune in your favourite coloured clothes!

Horses are powerful healers of such experiences. These animals are alive today because they have such an instinctive ability to survive. They do not have memory like us and live entirely in the present moment. They do not imagine what may never happen in the future or distort their present with unpleasant memories. Spending time with the horses teaches us how to be present and look only at what is happening NOW!

One well-known advocate of using horses as healers is Monty Roberts, and this link is to a recent article about his work with soldiers with emotional issues.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2608674/Queens-horse-whisperer-uses-gift-help-heal-broken-heroes-Afghan-war.html

If you’d like to know more or come and try this out, let me know!

Next time you really want to listen…use your eyes!

In our increasingly digital age it’s easy to forget that face-to-face communication is still hugely important in running a business. Whether you are dealing with internal issues or selling your services, excellent communication is vital. Excellent communicators are aware of not only their own, but others’ non-verbal communication.

Improving non-verbal communication was a key focus at a recent Executive Horse Power workshop we held. It was designed to give local businesses a taste of our alternative and highly effective corporate training tool which uses horses to help people understand and hone their own communication skills. This approach known as Equine Assisted Development is just as effective in business as it is with helping those with personal communication issues.

Our experiential training programmes are based on a proven approach in which you interact with our horses in a controlled environment to improve your interpersonal skills. Your interaction with our horses, 'experts in their field' in intuitive and non-verbal communication, will lead you to challenge yourself in powerful and memorable ways.

After an introduction to the principles of equine assisted development, each workshop participant was asked to identify a communications objective they wanted to achieve, which they then worked towards in a facilitated session with the horses, myself and my team of facilitators.

This was followed by a presentation on ‘micro expressions’ by colleague, Steve Adams, another expert in non-verbal communications. There has been much research carried out into facial gestures and it is generally accepted that there is a basic set of seven facial gestures that are cross-cultural. They can be seen in all of humankind, from tribes located in the middle of the Amazon to city dwellers in the UK.

The micro expressions shown by people in everyday conversations can provide some subtle clues as to what the person is really experiencing at an emotional level. For anyone wishing to improve their communication skills, learning to decipher these clues is essential.

Steve Adams

“What makes them really interesting is that micro expressions are, for the most part, very difficult to control at a conscious level,” said Steve at the workshop. “It's like when someone tells you they will give you all the support you need, whilst shaking their head from side-to-side at the same time. Their real message comes from the non-verbal signs, not the words used.”

This brief introduction of some of the theory and applications of non-verbal communication, coupled with reinforcing this learning with the horses, left the workshop participants eager to apply what they’ve learnt the next time they communicate at work and at home.

And of course if you want to know more, please feel free to contact me!

When do you take time to reflect?

Every aspect of my life seems to have been hectic for the last three weeks. As hard and long as I seem to be working there is an ever growing mound of urgent things to do ahead. I was starting to wonder how to deal with all the house, family, work and friends things to do, and if I should get a job as a circus juggler! Earlier today I was choosing to feel really exhausted and then, luckily for me, I got around to the job I needed to do with the horses.

Siloe - my Spanish stallion

I went into the field to check on Perchelera, a mare who is due to foal soon, and Siloe, who has a sore foot. Usually they come to meet me as I go through the gate, except of course today. When I thought I had the least time to spare, both horses went further down the field away from me, heads high and at speed. I felt so tired I just sat down on an up-turned bucket and watched them. The sun had just come out and I watched them for several minutes racing round the field, well away from me.

All of a sudden they slowed to a walk and came together up the field right to where I was perched on my bucket. Siloe even picked up his hoof for examination! I spent a few minutes with each of them, stroking them, and I could feel their warmth, their strength and yet softness. I noticed their breathing was deep and low and regular and their heads were low, Siloe making the occasional low snort as he smelled the grass before he pulled at it.

My mind wandered to what a great life they have. They only have to think about grazing and relaxing and occasionally running from a predator. This made me realise why they had taken off when I first came into the field; I must have looked quite predatory, marching towards them with my shoulders hunched, my breathing heavy, my pulse racing. Distracted by thoughts of all my chores my non-verbal communication screamed STRESS. It’s no wonder they ran, they maybe thought I was out to kill them.

I compared that behaviour with how it was now and how I felt now. Actually I felt much calmer, less tired and time seemed to have stretched out. I was breathing much lower and slower, my heart was no longer racing, and I seemed to be able to think and plan more clearly. I realised that quite a number of tasks would be better left until tomorrow and I could easily achieve all that I needed to do around family and home today. It was a valuable few minutes for me and I thanked the horses for taking the time to teach me a lesson.

Some days I suspect many people feel like I did - exhausted at the thought of all the pressing jobs to do. However, when we take time and reflect, we breathe more easily, think more clearly and renew our energy. So go on - take five minutes every day to reflect! If you would like a complete recharge, come and spend it with the horses.

Tips for preparing for difficult meetings

This week I was asked to chair what I thought might be a difficult meeting. I had already talked to several people who would be attending and some of them had expressed fairly strong emotions on the subject under discussion. I had three days to collect evidence for the meeting and spent the first day talking to different individuals and taking notes. Everyone had a different view and all were displaying a variety of emotions. I term them as stress, suspicion, fear, mistrust, worry and anger. After day one I was feeling pretty stressed at the thought of the meeting and worrying about all the emotions which would be present, and how on earth would we achieve a consensus.

In the small hours of a fairly sleepless night, it dawned on me that I should concentrate on the outcome of the meeting and not on the emotions. Day two consisted of several more emotionally charged interviews, and I decided it would probably be better if everyone, not just me, concentrated on the facts and the outcome rather than how they felt. How could I get them to do that? Sleepless night number two!

On day three I asked several independent professionals to prepare risk assessments for two or three possible outcomes, so I could present these at the meeting as impartial views based on the facts. I felt that by the end of this last day I had done everything I could to ensure the meeting would be constructive. Still feeling a bit apprehensive about my ability to preside over such an event, I thought about a friend who I consider to be brilliant at managing conflict. I would put a call in the next morning and ask for his input. Two hours sleep that night.

Day Four. No answer when I tried to ring and I was nearly out of time. What to do? As I drove down to the meeting a little idea came to mind. What if I imagined I had spoken to my friend? What would he have said and what would he do? There was the answer and so very simple. All I needed to do was model what I had seen my friend do at other meetings. As everyone turned up I detected hunched shoulders, prominent chins and crossed arms. I used very open inviting gestures to everyone and their body language eased. And then I had a further thought and I suggested to everyone that they put themselves in someone else’s shoes and consider the problem from a different perspective.

The effect was instant and the feeling of an up-and-coming battle left the room. Instead there was an energetic and positive flow of constructive ideas from everyone as to how to resolve the conflict. Contrary to my initial expectation, a unanimous agreement was reached, along with a plan for action, in a very short space of time!

So here are some tips for the future for anyone with an important meeting coming up:

1. Concentrate on achieving outcomes instead of relying on a battle of words.
2. Ask everyone attending to do the same.
3. Use open handed gestures and encourage the others to loosen tight shoulders, jaws and crossed arms.
4. Use perceptual positions to get everyone to view the conflict differently. Change places and seating arrangements if necessary. If they sit in a different chair from their usual one they’ll have a different view. Lead this by example and change your place as well!
5. If you remember a conflict meeting which had a good outcome, model the example.
6. Model the behaviour of anyone you have seen effectively managing a conflict.
7. If there aren’t any sides to take, only outcomes to achieve, the whole team channels constructive energy and emotion into getting a result.
8. Support everyone to have their say and thank them for their contribution. You may discover hidden strengths and alternative solutions!