Connect More With Rapport

Rapport. That word kept popping into my mind in the last few days. What is that stuff anyway? How does it help me? Today the horses taught me what rapport is! It is that wonderful feeling of being in the company of a like-minded being and having an absolute understanding and respect for each other. A friend’s horses showed me how easy and quick it is to create that feeling.

He had bought a couple of young foals last year who hadn’t been touched by humans very much. They have run free and fairly wild and have been untouchable all year. We decided we would take time to get them more used to people as they are now getting quite large, and it would be helpful for my friend if he could manage to catch them to trim their feet and move them easily from field to field. I went over to his farm today and initially we herded them into an old pen with a reasonably high fence and a division down the middle.

Obligingly one young horse went each into side of the division so I could have one-to-one! I went to the first youngster and straight away she put her ears back, dashed off to the corner and stood with her back to me and a leg poised. I thought her intention was very clear – ‘stay away!’ I decided to move away to the opposite corner and turn my back on her. As I did that, she turned and walked down the pen to another corner, so I copied her behaviour on the opposite side of the pen. I kept this up for a couple of minutes. Every time she moved, I mirrored her on the opposite side of the pen.

Then I decided to move first, and turned and walked across the pen with my back to her. Just after I started moving, so did the horse, and instead of mirroring me on the opposite side of the pen, she followed me to my corner. Without looking at her I turned and crossed the pen diagonally, and there she was, a couple of feet away, following me. From that moment we spent five minutes together and she shadowed my every move. Well, actually the pen was quite small, so I’m not sure who was mirroring who some of the time! We seemed to be absolutely in tune with each other and had formed some kind of bond of trust very quickly. I felt she understood me and I understood her. I moved to the other pen and saw the other young horse.

This time there was no stand-off to begin with. I listened to her (a strange expression I know, as she didn’t say anything verbal!) and straight away started moving like her and in the same direction and in parallel to her, but slightly after she moved. However she had been watching the dance I had with the first filly and almost instantly started mirroring me and following me. Once again I felt completely at peace and in tune with this young horse and that she felt the same about me.

I stood back to admire both horses and noticed that my friend who had watched the whole display was leaning against the fence with a sleepy look and the first young filly was standing right beside him yawning.

Then the word ‘rapport’ sprang into my mind again. So that’s what rapport is! What an amazing half hour’s experience, and all without words. These two horses had shown me what the deepest rapport feels like and how easy it is to establish.

You may not have a horse handy to show you what rapport means, but there are people all around you who you can practise on and build your skills. Every day practise this for a few minutes. Very soon you will see, hear and feel a definite difference in the way people react to you.

Look at someone’s non-verbal communication and their posture; hear their voice and its pitch and tone. Start moving like them and talk in the same tones as them and either match their gestures or mirror them. If they cross their legs or lean back, do the same. Be subtle and don’t follow too soon or they will notice and feel uncomfortable. After a minute or two of mirroring their actions, tone of voice and pace, you can assume a posture of your own, and if they are in rapport they will follow your gestures.

This is such a great experience because they feel a mutual respect developing quickly and so do you. It is a useful technique in all our relationships, whether that is at home, with our family and friends or at work with co-workers, in meetings or on sales calls.

Go on, give RAPPORT a whirl!

If you want to know more about improving your non-verbal communication, please give me a call.